CONTENTS
PICK-UP LINE HUMOR
PICK-UP REBUTTAL HUMOR
== PICKUP LINE HUMOR ===================================================
I recently came across an interesting statistic:
Men who were successful when they used the pickup line "Hi": 71%
Women who were successful when they used the pickup line "Hi": 100%
He: I'm a really good cook!
She: What do you cook best?
He: Breakfast in bed! (grins)
What do you like for breakfast?
Let's do breakfast tomorrow. Should I call you or nudge you?
If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
or
If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put you between f and ck.
Nice dress/pants, can I talk you out of it?
What's your sign?
The best part of me is covered up.
(If wearing swim trunks, a bikini, or a skimpy outfit)
Overheard in our computer lab:
Just because your computers are incompatible, doesn't mean we are.
Is your daddy a thief?
No.
Then who stole those diamonds and put them in your eyes?
Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
Your eyes are as blue as my toilet water at home.
Guy goes up to a girl, licks his finger, touches her on the shoulder, and then
touches himself (all this while she is watching him) and says:
How about you and I get out of these wet clothes?
It worked for him... :)
While we're on the subject of pickup lines, how about bad pickup lines?
The absolutely worst pickup line I've heard is:
I'm looking for a friend...do you want to be my friend?
Then again, I fell for it (she seemed like such a nice girl).
Mmmm, you bring new meaning to the word "edible".
Excuse me, but I DO think it's time we met.
She: I really enjoyed myself tonight.
He: I enjoyed myself too. Maybe sometime we can let our bodies enjoy each other.
That dress would look awfully nice on my bedroom floor.
or
That miniskirt would look great crumpled up at the end of my bed.
or
That's a cute outfit. It would be even cuter wrinkled on my bedroom floor.
or
I think that shirt would look great on the carpet beside my bed.
Hey babe, do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi?
Drop 'em.
Excuse me. Do you wanna fuck or should I apologize?
Say, didn't we go to different schools together?
Wanna fuck like bunnies?
Help, I'm lost. Which way is it to your house?
or
Hi, I'm new in town. Which way is it to your house?
Why don't you come on over here, sit on my lap, and we'll talk about the first
thing that pops up?
I had a friend who used to hand out calling cards which said:
Smile if you want to sleep with me
then watch the victim try to hold back her smile...
Or he had cards that said:
Here I am, madly in love with you, on the verge of killing myself for your love
and I don't even know your NAME__________ PHONE________
Hi, my name's Ron, how do you like me so far?
At the office copy machine:
"Reproducing, eh? Can I help?"
There's an aura about you that's hidden and I want to bring that aura out.
She (to passing man): Excuse me, do you have the time?
He: Do you have the energy?
What is your favorite position on extramarital sex?
Hey babe, wanna get LUCKY!?!?!!
Say mother! Want another? (if she has children)
Bond. James Bond.
Gosh, you're pretty/handsome!!!
Stand back, I'm a doctor. You go get an ambulance, I'll loosen her clothes.
Take a chance on me.
Your place or mine?
Your face or mine?
This is your lucky day, because I just happen to be single.
Would you like to have morning coffee with me?
Do you want to come back to my place and pet my dog/cat?
You have the ass of a great artist.
A friend of mine who walked up to a young lady in a club and simply asked, "Are
you ready to go home now?" She smiled a bit, stood up, and they left together.
If I told you that you have a nice body, would you hold _IT_ against me?
When asked for a match:
How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs?
I love you. I want to marry you. Now fuck my brains out.
Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist.
I've gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade.
Wanna play carnival? That's where you sit on my face and I try to guess your
weight.
I wanna floss with your pubic hair.
I'm on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?
I'd look good on you.
I would kill or die to make love to you.
I would die happy if I saw you naked just once.
Sex is a killer...want to die happy?
Hi! Can I buy you a car?
NOW, BITCH!
Oh, I'm doing fine! And you?
(While looking at someone and waiting for them to say anything)
Aren't we supposed to get together for a candlelight dinner later tonight?
Hi, I just moved to this city and was wondering if you could recommend a good
restaurant here. Would you also like to join me?
Fancy a fuck?
I had a wet dream about you last night. Would you like to make it a reality?
My face is leaving in 15 minutes. Be on it.
Excuse me, but would you like an orally stimulated orgasm?
It's always good for you to see me again.
The best pickup line I have ever heard and I have to admit it got my attention
was when I was out dancing one night and a guy came up to me and said:
Hey! I like your shoes! Do you like mine??
It worked and we are still friends today.
He: Have you ever had one of those fantasies where Greek gods feed you these
little pickles?
She: No.
He: Well, I'll have to show you what one is like, but it will be only one Greek
god (point to yourself, then look down at your crotch) and I won't be
feeding you little pickles.
Well, the worst pickup line I have ever heard (it was said to me) was:
I hate you...are you here with your friends?
I looked up the word "beautiful" in the thesaurus today, and your name was
included.
Didn't I used to always pull on your ponytail in grammar school?
I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty
girl smile. So, would you smile for me?
On the same note, one of my favorites (that I've never had the guts to try) is
to walk up to a girl, put your hands on her shoulders, and say, "I'd like to
get something straight between us." and then look at your (you know)......
Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us.
Wanna Dance?
No!
Wanna Drink?
No!
Wanna Fuck?
Yes (pause) but not with you
So, do you wanna see something really swell?
That girl/guy I'm with, oh, she's/he's just my sister/brother.
One of the worst pickup lines ever (most probably will get you slapped):
I had sex with someone last night. Was that you?
Another line that doesn't work:
Gee, you don't sweat much for a fat chick.
For a fat chick, you sure have small tits.
Do you take it up the bum? (This also does not work and can be painful)
Is that a doubleended dildo or are you just glad to see me?
Is that a tictac in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
What did you say? Oh, I thought you were talking to me.
He: Have you got a little Irish/German/Spanish/Italian/etc in you?
She: Uh...no....
He: Well, do you want some?
What would you do if I kissed you right now?
Can I please be your slave tonight?
You should be someone's wife.
I have a single.
Hi, I'm a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?
You know, you're very easy on the eyes.
or (for the braver males)
You know, you're very easy on the eyes...and very hard on my erection.
Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate and I was wondering if
you'd mind if I fantasize about you?
Hi, do you know why you should masturbate with *these* two fingers?
(holding up any two)
Obvious reply: No, why?
Because they're mine.
I had a friend give a card that had on the front:
1 2 3 4
Pick a number
and then on the back of the card it read:
Sex maniacs always pick 3
you wouldn't believe how many women pick 3. It was a great card.
Wow! Are you really as beautiful as you seem or do you remind me of myself?
What can I do to make you sleep with me?
or (for a lighter touch)
What can I do to make you mine?
Pardon me miss, but I couldn't help noticing that you have cum in your hair.
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
Would you like to dance, or should I go fuck myself again?
When's our wedding date?
Hey baby, let's go make some babies.
Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?
From: MAD Magazine: Classic Flops Spring 1986.
9 Very Unsuccessful Pickup Lines:
1. Would you like to see my boa constrictor?
2. Is that a false nose?
3. You look like a hooker I knew in Fresno.
4. I'm drunk.
5. Hi, my friends call me Creepy.
6. Would you like to come to a party in my toolshed?
7. I just threw up.
8. You're ugly but you intrigue me.
9. I had to find out what kind of woman would go out dressed like that.
Excuse me, but did you happen to find my Congressional Medal of Honor?
or
Excuse me, but did you happen to find my Nobel Peace Prize?
He: Would you sleep with me for 20 million dollars?
She (sheepishly): Yes.
He: Well then, would you sleep with me for 20 cents?
She: No, what kind of woman do you think I am?
He: We've established what kind of woman that you are, we're just haggling
over the price.
You look more beautiful than Nurse Chapel.
Miss, if you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?
If you spot a girl waiting in a restaurant/theater/club for someone, go up to
her and say...
If he doesn't show up, I'll be right over here.
I think we must make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW!
If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib.
Walk over to a table occupied by ladies, whip out your willy and say:
Hey Charlie, see anyone here you recognize?
I require a tissue sample. May I sever a littleused portion of your body?
(brandish forceps)
Hey, wanna see my R2D2 impersonation? (Think about it...)
Hey baby...infect me!
Hey baby...can you suck the chrome off a bumper?!?
Hey baby...can you suck the chrome off a trailer hitch?
Hey baby...can you suck a golf ball through 50 feet of garden hose?
Hey baby...can you suck start a Harley?
I'll suck you so hard that you'll have to pick the sheets out of your ass when
I'm finished.
Motion your finger to a girl to get her to come your way. When she arrives
say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough, you would come."
or
"Do you always come when someone fingers you?"
Picture this, you, me, bubble baths, and a bottle of champagne.
I saw you at the party last weekend and you look kind of interesting...
Let's meet sometime...
God must have been in a very good mood the day we met.
I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good.
Would you like someone to mix with your drink?
The front reads:
++
|No Phone No Business|
| |
| |
| |
| |
| No Name |
| |
| |
| |
| |
|No Address No Money|
++
And the back reads:
++
| I'M A SILENT SEDUCER |
| |
|Any chance to crawl in the sack with|
|you tonight? If so, just keep the |
|card; if not, kindly return it |
|because they are expensive. I'm not|
|as good as I once was. But I'm good|
|once as I ever was! |
| |
|P.S. You don't have to say yes |
| Just Smile!|
++
No, I'm not a cop. What can I get for fifty bucks?
Be unique and different, say yes.
Will you marry me and have my children? (unfortunate sideeffects: beware!)
If you ever want to see your children again, you'll do what I want.
You're hitchhiking across the Mojave Desert? Alone?
Do you believe in the hereafter? Well, then I guess you know what I'm here
after.
I'm really sorry about Al. It was a lovely funeral. You look ravishing in black,
did you know that? What you need now is a nice backrub. Are the straps too
tight, darling? How tragic. How very, very tragic.
Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.
It's absolutely pure Bolivian. And I don't *give* it away.
Hello, Susie. Your mom couldn't make it this afternoon, she asked me to pick
you up and take you home. My, what a pretty dress.
You know, I'd really love to fuck your brains out, but it appears someone beat
me to it.
Would you like to be in movies?
Excuse me, do you live around here often?
Excuse me, I'm a little short on cash, would you mind if we shared a cab home
together?
Would you like to see a baby picture of me?
(Shows the girl the picture of a baby better endowed that most men.)
Hello, love, do you spit or swallow?
You look like the type of girl who has heard every line in the book ...
So what's one more??
Hey babe, did you know I'm on the Harvard Mailing List?
What's your sign?
And a subtle approach:
Excuse me, but you have a beep on your nose.
What?
(reach up and gently squeeze her nose) BEEP.
(If she laughs, she's yours; if she looks at you funny, apologize.)
Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?
Follow these instructions:
1: Make sure that you are in the front of the person you're trying to attract.
2: Put your hands in a vertical plane and separate your hands to the proper
distance you want to get across.
3: Look at the person of your affections and with a eartoear grin, shake your
head up and down as to reply that you're this big!
Whatever you do, don't ever cut that silky hair of yours!
There's the old classic from the movie "Fletch" (to girl in towel):
Excuse me, could I borrow your towel? My car just hit a water buffalo.
She: What do you think of this (dress, sweater, article of clothing)?
He: I like nothing better.
Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
I want to bear all your children. (to a woman)
Shall we talk or continue flirting from a distance?
That's a nice dress. Can I talk you out of it?
Take off that dress and fuck my brains out, you cave newt.
Did you know that the word 'motel' spelled backwards means 'letom'?
Nice tits. Mind if I feel them?
Let's take a shower together, you smell.
You smell wet. Let's party.
May I end this sentence with a proposition?
I've got an itch, honey. Lower. Lower. In. Out.
If I was Elvis, would you screw me?
I want to thank you for [insert any event here], grab your ankles bitch!
If you want me, don't shake me, or wake me, just take me.
Want to see my stamp collection?
Want to come see my hard drive? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't
floppy.
Don't you know me from somewhere?
Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me?!?! I thought you knew..
At the dinner table, (if you eat together) pick up the bread and say, "Wanna
roll?"
Excuse me, have I fucked you yet?
Congratulations! You've been voted "Most Beautiful Girl In This Room" and the
grand prize is a night with me!
I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I've got more of something else.
Ever tried those weird prickly condoms? (sure to get responses)
Funny you should mention that, I was a gynecologist once.
Cold outside, isn't it? (staring at breasts)
Actually, ma'am, ah'm not as tall as you think. Ah'm from Taixus, and ah'm
sittin' on mah wallet.
Hey! Ya wanna try out my new 'Home Artificial Insemination Kit?'
I am writing a new algorithm, and I need some test data. What are your
measurements?
I have some hard code I want to try your compiler on.
Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines
10. I'm down here.
9. Just because I've got bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy.
8. I was once a lawn ornament for John Bon Jovi.
7. I can get you off the naughty list.
6. I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys.
5. I'm a magical being. Take off your bra..
4. No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over at Keebler
3. I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man.
2. You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig.
1. I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners.
-- Late Night with David Letterman, from Michael Wertheim
Stare at a guy/girl for a long time, and when he/she notices for the second or
third time, go up to him/her and say...
I'm sorry for staring at you, but you look very much like someone I used to
date.
Sometimes it can be helpful to start with a complement. Example: after
"accidently" bumping her boobs, noticing a loose button, etc., say, "If they
weren't sooo large, it wouldn't have happened."
Hey, somebody farted. Let's get out of here.
The most common pickup line used in a gay bar:
May I push in your stool?
I have only three months to live (heard it in a movie; of course, this was all
before AIDS)
or
I'm filthy rich and have only six weeks to live. Will you help me make these
next few weeks the happiest days of my life?
Love is like a rug. So you can walk all over me and lie on me.
Excuse me, miss, do you give head to strangers?
No.
Well, then, allow me to introduce myself.
Chicks dig me. I wear colored underwear.
Excuse me, is it true that you're a sexual tyrannosaurus?
I'm a copilot for American Airlines.
Hi, I make more money than you can spend.
Excuse me, do you have change for a $100 bill?
Excuse me, but weren't you Shirley MacLaine in a past life?
Excuse me, but weren't we blissfully married in a past life?
Lines by women:
Please may I rest my head on your shoulder?
Do you know how to use this? (holding up a vibrator)
How about a night of passion in Doncaster?
He: What was that?
She: What was what?
He: That sound.
She: I didn't hear anything.
He: It was the sound of my heart breaking.
You've got the whitest teeth I've ever come across.
Weren't you a woman the last time we met?
Do you have room in your life for a new friend?
Do you sleep on your stomach?
No.
Can I?
The only reason that I would kick you out of be would be to fuck you on the
floor.
Hey baby, I want to lick your thighs.
Gorgeous hair. But it'd be even better brushing against my thighs.
Approach a girl and say, "Do you like jewels."
Then lob your dick out and say, "Suck this, it's a gem!
Or do you like chicken? Suck this, it's pretty foul!
Or do you like pork? Suck this, it's dripping!"
That's a nice smile you've got, shame that's not all you're wearing.
What nice legs you've got. I wouldn't mind wearing them as a belt, or neck tie
if you prefer.
Just where do those legs of yours end?
Are your legs tired because you've been running through my mind all day?
Nice socks. Can I try them on after we have sex?
Uh, oh. My parents met at a place like this. Let's get the hell out of here.
Female to guy: Hi, you look like a real wanker. (pause for effect)
The guys usually spend so much time trying to convince you that they're not a
"wanker" (that ego thingy) that in the end, they are trying to pick *you* up!
A snake charmer!
Hi, I work as a raw meat inspector. Let's go to your place for an inspection.
Want a break tonight?
You're the spitting image of my dead girlfriend.
One pickup line that might get a laugh, if nothing else, is:
Pardon me, but what pickup line works best with you?
You look just like my mother.
My leech would like you as a new host.
I think my medication is wearing off.
You MUST have a nice personality.
Does my breath smell okay?
Pull my finger.
He: You look like my third wife.
She: Oh, how many time have you been married?
He: Twice.
Hi, my name's Dave. Remember it, you'll be screaming it later tonight!
Perhaps use this line at a business dinner on someone whom you've been eyeing
since this afternoon at the business meetings...
Let's talk about 'early retirement.'
You are so beautiful, that I would crawl ten miles on my hands and knees
through broken glass, just to jerk off in your shadow.
You are so beautiful that I would crawl ten miles on my hands and knees through
broken beer bottles just to sniff the tire tracks of the laundry truck that
takes your panties to the cleaners.
I'd drag my balls through a mile of broken glass, followed by a mile of hot
coals, just to chase a laundry truck that MIGHT have your dirty underwear on
board.
Here's your chance to get to know me.
I love every bone in your body. Especially mine!
or
I love every muscle in your body. Especially mine!
There is much more here than what meets the eye.
Do you mind if I stare at you up close instead of from across the room?
You are the reason men fall in love.
I bet I could guess your weight if you sat on my face.
Ohhh, what a man...I bet you do real well with the ladies.
Nothing like a man who knows how to whisper sweet "nothings".
How much do you weigh, Debbie? C'mere, pull up a seat!
Are you free tonight or will it cost me?
Got a soggy bun for a lonely weenie?
Hey, come here often? You could, with me.
You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women (or
men) look really bad.
I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
If you happen to meet a girl while she is shopping for a new outfit:
Do you know what would look absolutely terrific on you? Me.
How about a pizza and a fuck? Hey!!! Don't you like pizza?
Want to go get a pizza and then screw?
He: Hey! How about we go to my house, have some pizza, beer, and a fuck?
She: (grimaces)
He: What's the matter? Don't like pizza?
So, howzabout the two of us going back to my place and you run your fingers
through the hair on my back?
He: Hi, what's the color of your hair?
She: (tells him)
He: And the hair on your head?
He: Excuse me, want to dance?
She: No.
He: Maybe you didn't hear me... I said you look really fat in those pants!
Gee...you sure don't perspire much!
I'm sensing the intense feeling you have for me...is it my cologne?
or
I'm sensing the intense feeling you have for me...is it my deodorant?
Screw me if I am wrong, but you want to fuck me, don't you?
You're the one I've been saving this drink/seat/ticket to Hawaii/whatever for.
Is your dad a baker?
No.
If not, where did you get those buns?
Boy, it sure is hot and stuffy in here. Would you like to take a cold shower?
Are you incredibly beautiful, or is it just my chemotherapy?
Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth to mouth, quick!
Oh excuse me! I thought you were a moose.
Ya know, if we cut your arms off, you'd look just like Venus de Milo.
Do you always eat like that?
Your body is like a haiku in motion.
You know, I'm not just an interesting person, I have a nice body, too.
What's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this??
Hey, baby, wanna lock crotches and swap gravy?
Did you hurt yourself when you fell from heaven?
What screws like a tiger and winks? (follow it up with a wink)
What is a classy place like this doing around a girl like you?
So there you are! I've been looking all over for YOU, the girl of my dreams!
Fuck me if I am wrong, but haven't we met before?
or
Fuck me if I am wrong, but your name is Gertrude right?
or
Fuck me if I am wrong, but you look like you want to kiss me.
You make my softwear turn to hardwear!
Are those fuck me eyes, or fuck you eyes?
Perhaps you recognize me from one of the popular adult movies I was in.
I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
He: 'Ello Darlin', fancy a fuck?
She: No!
He: Do you mind lying down while I do?
I would say that I'm in love with you, but you'd think I'm trying to pull a
fast one.
Laugh if you will, but this one did actually work, when I tried it on a girl
after a night of countless failures:
Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down; go ahead
say no.
Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say, "I'm not really this
tall....I'm sitting on my wallet."
May I have the distinguished honor and privilege of sitting next to you?
I'm trying to determine after years of therapy and lots of testing, whether or
not I'm allergic to sex.
He: You're gorgeous. I'd really love to invite you out sometime.
She: No, thanks.
She: Aw, c'mon! Lower you're standards a little. *I* did...
Gal:
He: I guess a blow job is out of the question, then?
Wait until it gets near last call in a bar. Find the drunkest looking woman in
the place, walk up to her, and say, "Okay, let's go home..."
Always take a screw with you and put it in your pocket.
Then, when a girl comes up to you, offer her the screw and say, "Wanna screw?"
Guy walks up to a girl in bar, slides his arm around her. She looks at him as
he says, "Hi Kate." She says, "I'm not Kate." His hand slips lower as he
says, "But you sure feel like her."
As long as I have a face, you'll have a place to sit.
Look at the tag on the back of a girl's shirt. When she turns around, say,
"Just checking to see if you were made in heaven."
Hey baby are you wearing your space underwear tonight? Because your ass is out
of this world!
Excuse me, do you have a quarter I can borrow?
What for?
I told my mother that I would call her when I fell in love with the girl of my
dreams!
or
I want to call your mother and thank her for having such a gorgeous child!
Hi, I need your help! My mom says that if I don't get a date by tomorrow,
she's putting me up for adoption.
You know, my mother says you have the smoothest complexion of anyone she knows.
Is it hot in here, or is it just you?
Didn't I see you on the cover of Vogue?
Grab them in the rump and ask, "Pardon me, is this seat taken?"
(I did that in bed last week, and she said "Yeah, I'm sitting on it". Okay, so
it doesn't work 100% of the time)
Hi. Do you come here often? (Say it to a waitress that you find attractive.)
Do you have a mirror in your pocket?
No, why?
Because I can sure see myself in your pants!
Was your father a welder?
No, why?
Because those sure are acetylene tits!
Which is easier? Getting into those tight pants or getting out of them?
A man approached me at a bar and asked me if my feet hurt. I looked at him
strangely and said, "No, why". He replied, "because you are obviously an angel
who has just decended onto this earth and you are used to flying, and not
walking"
OH PLEASE!!! (It didn't work)
I was walking down a street and a man stopped his car and said, "I think you
would look especially beautiful with your eyes closed (dramatic pause) in my
bed"
Once someone said to me, "You have such beautiful long blonde hair, it would
look lovely spread across my pillow."
I've been noticing you not noticing me.
Are you cold? You should be; you've been naked in my mind all night.
I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.
Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I
want?
Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
Can I flirt with you?
All those curves, and me with no brakes.
Excuse me, can you give me directions?
To where?
To your heart.
I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
So... How am I doin'?
(Tap your thigh) You just think this is my leg.
Top Ten PickUp Lines From The American Revolution
10. Hey, baby, my musket's loaded. Got a target?
9. Hey, baby, wanna play "Paul Revere" and ride my pony?
8. Hey, baby, I'm Thomas Paine.
7. I got your "Sovereign Nation."
6. You're suspected for sedition, so I've gotta pump you for information.
5. The British are coming, so why ain't we?
4. I'm into life, liberty, and the pursuit of a good piece of ass.
3. Wanna get tarred and feathered?
2. Who needs liberty when you've got libido?
1. You wanna Minute Man?
Top Ten Sleaziest Pickup Lines
10. Like the look of your crotch.
9. I'd like to name a multiple orgasm after you.
8. I've got a condom with your name on it.
7. Hi, I'm a tawdry slut looking for a good time.
6. Can you believe it? It's been more than fifteen minutes since I've had sex.
5. My friend and I made a bet and I need to check if those are implants.
4. I know a charming little motel with a cheap hourly rate.
3. I'd love to swap bodily fluids with you.
2. Erections like these don't grow on trees you know.
1. You know, doggystyle isn't passe anymore.
Heard while on spring break:
You know, I'd fuck you so hard you'd learn from it.
Another spring break try:
Hypothetically speaking, if I were to fuck you, would you let me?
Say, I hear chicks dig lava lamps...
Excuse me, mind if I stare at you for a minute? I want to remember your face
for my dreams.
Guy: What's your name?
Girl: Danielle
Guy: Oh... I thought it was Aphrodite.
I'm a starving artist and I want to eat you.
A: You are a real social butterfly.
B: Huh. More like, a caterpillar.
A: Well, wanna get to the fertility stage?
You are the proof that God has a sense of humor.
Don't ever try this.
Me: So...what do you study?
She: Genetics. Breeding different animals and such.
Me: Like, humans and chimpanzees?
She: Yes (Cozying up to another guy) Bobby here was my first subject.
Me: I see. So...who is the human and who is the chimpanzee?
(I enter an open party at the home of an attractive girl)
She: You look sharp
Me: Justifiably so. When arriving at the altar of the goddess, one needs to be
in his best attire.
My name is Jeffrey Dahmer and you would make a fine dessert
== PICKUP REBUTTAL HUMOR ===============================================
A man walks up and says, "Haven't we met before?"
Say, "Yes, I'm , the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
In the department "nice turn downs" there's this one:
I'll have to think about that, thinking makes me tired, when I'm tired I want
to sleep, not make love, so let's not, okay?
He: So, wanna go back to my place?
She: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?
He: I'd really like to get into your pants.
She: No thanks. There's already one asshole in there.
The most memorable rebuttal to a turn down (used by the guy who used to live
across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to dance and she
refused was:
Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you. (In reply to No, thank you).
He: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
She: It's in the phone book.
He: But I don't know your name.
She: That's in the phone book too.
There's always Harlan Ellison's great failure:
Q: Wha'dya say to a little fuck?
A: Go away, little fuck.
He: So what do you do for a living?
She: Female impersonator.
He: You know, I'd really love to travel to exotic places with you.
She: (tries to ignore him)
He: You know what? I also love sex. What do you say to that?
She: Hmmm...you really love sex and travel?
He: (nods his head smiling)
She: Then go take a fuckin' hike!!!
I like the line I once heard in a movie. This guy was trying to pick up this
girl, and she said to him, "Can you pound a railroad spike through a 2x4 with
your hardon?" To which he merely shudders a negative. She says, "Well, a
girl's gotta have her standards."
Voulezvous vous coucher avec moi ce soir?
(Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter.
(I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)
Q: What sign were you born under?
A: No Parking.
A guy comes up to a girl and tells her some pickup line. She grabs his crotch,
looks down at it, looks back at him, and says, "Sorry, I don't see any
potential here" and nonchalantly walks off.
And here's one including the correct snappy return
He: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
She: Unfertilized, fuck off!
After hearing a pickup line:
I like your approach, now let's see your departure.
A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club
while she was in college with the line, "Where have you been all my life?" She
took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I wasn't even born
yet."
A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were
walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She
turned around and said to me, "What are you looking at?" My friend, walking
next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were good looking, but he was
mistaken."
Man: Come sit on my face!
Woman: Why? Is your nose longer than your dick?
Man: No, your cunt smells better than your breath!
While at college, a few friends were discussing how their "passes" had been
rejected by the intended female receiver. One of the ladies explained how she
handled it once...
When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, "Hey,
come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!" She responded,
"Yea! Let's pick up come chicks!"... He immediately blanched, and decided
that maybe he would look someplace else.
The attractive young woman was sitting at the bar, alone, when the lounge
lizard made his move. "I'm here," he breathed huskily, "to fulfill your every
sexual fantasy."
The woman turned and looked at him. Her lips parted and she moistened them
with the tip of her tongue. She leaned toward him with her hands on her thighs
, and her eyes opened to the size of dinner plates. She paused just a second
and then delivered the crusher line, "You've got a large donkey or Doberman?"
The guy turned as green as his golf slacks and slipped away without a word.
